Wednesday, October 27

Weenie-Spined, Yellow-Toothed, Tea-Sipping Pansy-Ass That I Am . . .

I had blithely ignored the brouhaha over the campaign, initiated by the Guardian, to have British people writing to the residents of Ohio, begging them not to vote for Bush next month.

So I've only just read through the reaction from the US (see link).

Easy tigers!

Silly idea that it was - and doubtless there'll be a reciprocal campaign during our next General Election (though no matter, for it will be a shoo-in for Tony Blair; it's an even greater lockdown than . . . the RED SOX for the World Series. YES!) - I do sense a tad of overreaction.

My, some of you Americans really don't like us, do you? Well, that's okay. I mean, I go with the comment by the great Orson Welles that when it comes to the States "after New York, it's all Connecticut". So I don't really give a shit about Ohio, because I've always sensed that New Yorkers don't give a shit about Ohio either.* In sensibility, they're much closer to metrosexual Londoners than the pseudo-simple folk over in Little House on the Prairie-land.

But I'm open to be corrected on that. Politely corrected.

So: let's tick those boxes shall we?

Pansy-ass? I wish. I'm afraid my arse has become way too fond of its seat. It is fit, though: I mean, there are times when I swear I could shit bullets.

Tea-sipping? Well, yes I do. Why, would you prefer that I slurped it? By the by, I drink a whole lot of most things. Besides, tea's good for your memory, or so it's been alleged.

Yellow-toothed? What is it with you guys across the pond? Why are you obsessed with our teeth? I mean, we don't laugh at all your teens with their girdled mouths and bubblegummed braces . . .

Oh. Actually, we do.

Let me see now (and then): Chaplin. Niven. Olivier. Grant. Leigh (Okay - half Indian). Burton. Finney. O'Toole. Lennon. Jagger. Caine. Christie. Twiggy. Springfield. Plant. Sting. Campbell. Moss. Boy George. Morrissey. Cocker. Branagh. Law. Beckinsale. Watson. Morton. Winslet. Zeta-Jones. Knightley. Driver.

Need I go on?

All yellow-toothed horrorshows, yeah?

Let's file this untruth down: sure there are some dodgy teeth around, but I tend to go with the rough maxim (based on pure demographics) that whatever we've got, America enjoys to the power of six. Six. Six. Six.

Weenie-spined? Does that mean that my spine is as solid as my dick? Well, I'll take that. Or is it meant to mean sausage-spine? Huh? Please explain. Also, you're not confusing us with the French, are you?

To conclude with a fresh boast, for a people described as above (though we would much prefer being called a bunch of scrubbers and tarts - believe me, we would bask in that sobriquet) we're not doing so badly right now. To wit:

We have

  • the #1 political leader in the world: Prime Minister Blair

  • the most gorgeous, iridescent actresses in the world: Samantha Morton, Kate Beckinsale, and Keira Knightley

  • the most drop-dead gorgeous actor in the world - talent with talent: Jude Law (albeit with my abstracted eye**)

  • the most talented young film director going: Christopher Nolan

  • the best up their own arse arty rock and roll band on the planet: Radiohead (who doubtless consider themselves "citizens of the world" as opposed to plain old British)

  • the best fuck 'em all new band - not necessarily on the same daily planet as the rest of us: the Libertines

  • the most promising young novelist out there: Zadie Smith
Right: I'm off to comb my teeth!

* In fact, I must confess my knowledge of the Buckeye state begins with "Four dead in . . . " and ends with an off-the-top-of-my-head belief that both the Cramps and Marilyn Manson crawled out from Outer Space, Akron. If so, very strange, very strange . . .

** Methinks I do protesteth too much. Am I in denial? Well, am I?


posted by DD @ 13:00 


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