Sunday, October 31

Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe

I guess they're going and have gone the rounds but what the fuck: here's a selection of jokes from this year's Edinburgh Fringe - a veritable comedy wonderland . . .

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died . . . Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus

My parents are from Glasgow, which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child . . . well maybe one or two grammes to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
- Jimmy Carr

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke

My Dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go, "What's my favourite flower?" and you'll murmur to yourself, "Shit, I wasn't listening . . . Self-raising?"
- Addy Van Der Borgh

The world is a dangerous place: only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb

Cats have nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout for help."
- Mark Watson & Rhod Gilbert

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork . . .
- Markus Birdman

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan

A dog goes into a hardware store and says, "I'd like a job please." The hardware store owner says, "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
- Steven Alan Green

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud, "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign, "This door is alarmed." I said to myself, "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro

This last one is my favourite, given that said supermarket is my local one. And yes, like some of the other jokes listed here, it's less a joke, more a bald statement of fact.

Hey: you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns

Plus: following the news that blessed litttle baby Jesus is the #1 icon for black people, here's the old, old list about how Jesus was a Jew / Irish / Black / a woman.

Whatever. Personally, I'm with Shaun Ryder: "Jesus was Batman."

AND if all that's not enough, there's more (some good, some lame) here.

Link

posted by DD @ 09:13 

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