Sunday, October 31

Abstain! Abstain!

Returning home from an errand to the Royal Academy yesterday, I had no option but to hear this little term of endearment cooed (repeatedly) by a boy chav to his girl chav on the Jubilee Line - southbound:

"You're my skimpy chicken."

One for Tube Gossip (see link or Boat Drinks). Actually, she wasn't skimpy, though her skin was akin to that of an uncooked chicken. To think that within the decade she'll most likely have hatched a handful of hens.

So a pain in the arse journey, which topped off a pain in the arse mix-up at the RA; and a pain in the arse stroll through the throng (albeit there were some adorable babes lolling about), which led me to seek the refuge of the back alleys of Piccadilly down to Charing Cross.

It's never been the most invigorating bit of the West End (there's always, always, a failed business - well, who wants to eat or drink in a restaurant or bar where the prime view is that of the arse of a fucking great cinema or gallery?), and much of the way it was absolutely reeking of piss.

Most modern Western, enlightened cities have a dawn clearance whereby they wash the filth away; not just hoovering up the obvious crap but really hosing the streets down. I don't mind the filth occurring; in fact I embrace it: I like that summer feeling of walking around the empty streets at, say 5am; I feel like I'm surveying a whore's bedroom at the end of a busy evening, after all sorts of shit has taken place.

But like her mouth, these streets need brushing and flossing every day.

Of course, I'm doubly pissed off because the nightmare journey was of my own making. It's a classic mistake to leave the centre of town at 5pm on a Saturday, when, let's face it, the outgoing trains are full of mewling babies, bored or boisterous kids and other beastly oomska.

And to make it worse, I always then envy those heading in.

So when I got back home I got loaded. ONE LAST TIME! For the next three weeks, I'm a muslim, a bloody sharia muslim: no fucking booze, and no shit food. I've delivered a self-imposed fatwa on myself: it is time to stop taking the piss.

Or, as a friend of a friend's wife would put it (it came out over drinks last week that this was her favourite word): abstain.

Abstain! Abstain!


posted by DD @ 11:52 


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