Wednesday, August 25

"They've Never Ordered Pizza By the Slice"

In the not so dim and distant friends and others have questioned my London bias against - well, against just about everywhere else, but in particular a snooty and at times petty and childish attitude towards our northern brethrens. See? If you can hear it, there's that tone again! Here I go ...

Okay: so I've called for the establishment of an Independent Republic of London; I've called for a 'Maginot Line' (a broad swathe drawn across the map of this isle from an imaginary watermark at the level of the Wash) where there should be the strictest asylum (from northern squalour) and quarantine controls; and I've called for the banning of tractors and wellington boots from the streets of this beautiful city for ever. (I would also ban dogs - period - and only allow women reeking of spinst (acknowledgements to Martin Amis for that phrase) to keep cats, but that's by the by.)

YES, FREE PEOPLE OF LONDON: NEXT TIME, VOTE FOR ME - MAYOR QUIMBY JR!

In case you're concluding rather too hastily that I would also slam the door at Dover and so forth - all that UKIP malarkey - not at all. Au contraire, au fucking contraire. The fact is, I'm all in favour of immigration; it's the inner migration that's clogging up the heart of London. I like talking with mini-cab drivers from say, Azerbaijan as I trolley home (whether they enjoy my conversation is another matter - after all, I'm not immune to mumbling, or worse, much worse, shouting yarbles); the thing is I'm not interested - not at all mate: nowt - in the views of some prole from Oldham. Oops. Sorry.

And let's face it: I'd have fewer memories of stonking nights, and a lot more 50p pieces and pound coins, if European honeys were prevented from coming here to dance around to their favourite songs on stage. (BTW, I hear that Prince remains very, very popular in these circles, though I've not been out there 'researching' in a while.)

You see. I'm easy. Soft. The soft southern bastard personified. Moreover, I feel but a junior snark in comparison to New Yorkers. They're the masters. And they'll be in action again real soon: this piece describes the reception awaiting the RNC in a few days. (And you should read it or you'll wonder what the pizza quote has got to do with any of this. The answer: not much. But its attitude suffuses the whole thing. The whole thing. This post, this site ...)

Anyway, the piece itself is a notch above the usual pedantic offerings of Gary Younge, who is 'Bush League' compared to the Hitch and others who have merited a pitch over in BOAT DRINKS. If you think I'm being harsh on a hack (how can that possibly be a crime?) this phoned-in blurb on Bob Dylan's forthcoming Chronicles shows I'm not.

The piece on the RNC also mentions an interview with Norman Mailer that I'm pretty sure I linked a while ago. (It may still be here, or it may not. Whatever.) He's always good value; for example in The Fight, his account of the Ali-Foreman contest in old Zaire, he manages to throw in a couple of anecdotes about Vietnam - to wit:

  1. Some US serviceman volunteered to be undertakers because they got their kicks out of fucking parts of a dead body, rather than the bog-standard full-body necrophiliac boner.

  2. In the brothels organised by the US Army, the girls wore a yellow or red badge, depending on their STD status. But those out of action could still work, as there were plenty of messed-up grunts (GIs) who just needed to talk.

posted by DD @ 10:39 

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