Thursday, August 12

One On One

Occasionally (like, every other day) I find myself indulging in the parlour game I call One On One. This is simply a choice of which public figure you'd really like to land one on at that precise moment...and, as such, pet hates come and go.

But Tariq Ali has been an ever-present hate figure of mine ever since I learned how to stop reading with my fingers. And he duly obliges my irksome bones with regular pieces of piss like this one.

Now you will not find me waffling on about the war, because I reached my conclusions way back and have seen no need to change. I'm basically lock, stock behind Christopher Hitchens and David Aaronovitch (links to both over in BOAT DRINKS).

Re: this latest piece of guff from Mr Ali, I'll take a ratio along the lines of thirty, forty, even fifty-plus thousands of 'citizens' killed per liberation of twenty million around all the despotic lands of our world. And wouldn't you? Think. Think hard about it.

And it's good of him to notice now that the diference between the Republicans and Democrats is basically along the lines of "People's Front of Judea? Fuck off. We're the Judean People's front..." Welcome to our world, pal.

As for domestic politics, I'm with Tony Blair all down the fucking line. Right now, he's the best leader in the world and no debate. I have zero tolerance of Billy Braggian ideologues - you know, the kind of fools - fools - who would rather see Tony Benn rather than Tony Blair in Number Ten. (Yes. You. Fucking. Well. Would. So fuck off.)

Okay I've been buggering on so I may as well rip it all out now. BUT keep in mind the essential default position: ALL POLITICIANS ARE SWINE. Not only are they swine, but so are a frankly embarrassing percentage of the electorate (here I'm nailing Britain, though I picture sentient people over the pond - and elsewhere - nodding in assent that boy, things have gotta change... ); if I had my way universal suffrage would vanish. (That issue I shall whack another time - for now it's the germs we elect, not how we elect them, that I'm hitting on.) But right now, we're swamped with swine.

So, I think the best we can do is to try get the best deal we can from the shite available. For Britain, that means Tony Blair for the forseeable. He's as left (loosely and lazily meaning progressive) as this country is prepared to go - and bear in mind that he's way, way to the left of what any Democratic President would even dare to try to roll through Congress. Way, way out there... (in the promised land, heh, my American friends?) with the sole exception of Iraq. Iraq, Iraq...

Back to Blighty. Let's run through the alternatives. Gordon Brown? Well, he already is de facto P.M. of domestic policy, with his 'very good friend' as President. Bliss. Everybody should be happy. Brown and his entourage should face it: he has the shifty, sweaty-browed look of Richard Nixon. He flunks the used-car test.

The others? Charles Kennedy is an amiable pisshead but can you picture him representing us on the White House lawn? Pretty sobering, huh? And Michael 'Dracula' Howard is out of the question. Come on: you'd be off from the used-car lot at the mere sight of his oily approach.

The people I know who have vented their spleen at Blair seem to have no examinable alternative to offer: in essence, it's ABB - anybody but Blair. Now who's puppeting the expected American line, albeit that of the 'left'? What it amounts to is Walmart politics: dirt cheap, plastic and flimsy. And I can't argue with any who say it was ever thus. Still, talking of plastic and flimsy... I sat up and watched John Kerry's convention speech, and I thought: those poor, poor Americans, what kind of choice have they got. What kind of chance have they got? Either way, I look up the road and I see T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

BTW, if you're planning on voting Kerry, I'd see if you can rustle up any web action on our old John Major - a Kerryesque duffer that the loons in our land elected (with the biggest vote ever! Hence us dissenters had no option but to hit the cocaine trail to numb the pain...but, again, that's another story for another time); or go to plank in the dictionary: he should figure as Exhibit A for modern usage.

You poor, poor Americans. Not only is your choice shit-awful right now, but the more I read the more I discover that you've had a series of shits in the White House since FDR. Oh boy, don't protest now: don't, don't get me started on the Kennedys. Camelot? American 'royalty'? Big Daddy jumps in bed with fascists; The spawn are humpbacked and should have been spayed; instead the next spawn can't drink and drive with any elan; then the next can't fly a plane in the dark... That's your talent? Yeah, I mock, but you know what? I'sd still take them over our own Royal family anytime. Anytime. And I really can't get started on them now.

But they got me back to Blighty once more, and the end is in my head. Yeah: I'm pro-Europe etc, etc, etc. You can tick most of the predictable boxes. Fuck the pound. Euro is a shit term for a currency - I want us to use Mozarts, Bachs, Beethovens, Goyas, Shakies... "How much?" "Two Mozarts, squire." "Cheers."

While I'm renaming and reordering the world, I'd also change Iraq back to Mesopotamia. What fucker got rid of that gem of a name? Domain that now! And Israel and Palestine should be and would be one nation, Jerusalem. (Hands up: not an original idea; the late Edward Said banged on and on about this being the best solution to that problem.)

Ain't it funny? Even when I get a fucked-off kick-start from old Tariq I end up having fun... What's happening here? I'm spinning myself!

So what's left? Peace on Earth? That will never happen; moreover, I don't want it to happen. It would mean the castration of our very natures... And need I list all the 'pop' references to this dilemma, beginning with, of course, A Clockwork Orange.

Okay, I'll indulge. Talking Heads' (Nothing But) Flowers - I go with that over Joni's Big Yellow Taxi any time. Where would we be without parking lots?

And to bring in Royal Tenenbaum (always a good thing to do): "Let's get out there and start choppin' it up."

I could go on and on and I probably will, but I'd sooner put some joy back in...

Right, fie upon this quiet life, I want work...

posted by DD @ 09:24 


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